Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
