So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
