i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
This show inspires me to have sex in space
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
