If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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