I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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