the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can you bring me the toilet please
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
