Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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