When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
