Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
