I've blown a few things in my day
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
