i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
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