My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
