Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
