I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
