I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
