Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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