OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
