she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
