Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
