apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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