Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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