I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
