Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
