my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
