I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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