Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
