I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
smell my finger.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Randomize
