It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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