I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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