You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
