8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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