Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize