This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
