he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
