people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
