I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you win again, gameday.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
