I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
