my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
