sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
