Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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