it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Who died my cat blue again?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
