Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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