she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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