Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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