I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
