Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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