Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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