He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
