you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
