Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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