Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
