It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
