still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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