He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
