shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i think i just lost a toe
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
