Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
