I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
