Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
