I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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