the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
