ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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