Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
