I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize